Unforgiven
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Issues

I found myself crying once more. I told myself that will be the last. No more will I cry for this issue. This time, it is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, but a matter of where each one is coming from.   

I cried because of disappointment from what I have been getting. I could have chosen not to listen, not to believe, but those words came from a friend I hold dear. Friends will always remain friends for me and whatever comes from them matters. I value their truths because I value them as people. Otherwise, I would have dismissed things right away.

This time, I see no need to justify myself from anyone. I hold my truth, which may entirely be different from what others may hold. Never have I tried to intentionally put someone down. It may be a sign of selfishness, but these issues were all about me… Yes, all about me. They were about my problems and my rants but never about badmouthing anybody. I never hated, just grieved—two different things. In my grief, I resorted to the solution I know best, to be myself. To be the transparent person I was before.

You became my friend because I chose to. I have always been the type who shares a piece of me to someone new without expecting anything in return. I trust and have faith in people. No pretensions. To tell me that I befriended anyone to bring someone down is to partly say that you never knew me. Again, this is my truth, not anybody’s. 

 I am honestly sorry for causing too much trouble. I have always been in that stance… being sorry. Telling me that it is too late to forgive me will not change my mind. Being stubborn is one thing you got right about me, because I will continue to be sorry as long as I feel it. If forgiveness is too much to ask, then just allow me to be sorry.

Let us ditch the issue and be happy. I know you have. Now, it is my turn. 

True enough
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Issues

I can now feel the magnitude of my actions.

 

From a faculty member:

 "Stan, I know you are going through something right now. I do not want to probe deeper on what that is, pero leaving everything behind will not help. It will just make things worse."

 

Sleepless night
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Everyday by Sonicflood
Topic: Issues

Well, here I am again. Reading and typing. 

Waah.  

Sleepless night
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Everyday by Sonicflood
Topic: Issues

Well, here I am again. Reading and typing. 

Waah.  

My blog revolves around me and my silly mind
Mood:  blue
Topic: Issues

I am still thinking whether I am going to row today or not. As
much as I would want to train today, being there would defeat
the purpose of finding solace for a while.

I am seriously thinking of getting work and leaving the
university all behind for a while. However, my mind changes
whenever I think of my parents, my Aunt Ymee and all those
people who have helped me and have put me where I am today.

I do not know. I still am here in the point when I can shoot
myself back to life's normal pace. I am not rushing because
eventhough the grieving would end, I know it is going to take
some time before I could just brush these negative feelings all
off. There are just some things that are always worth holding on
to and that remains true especially in friendship.

I know a good friend is getting tired of listening to what we
have to say to her. She needs her time too and I really would
like to be better soon for her to worry less about me. You won't
lose me unless I disappear in the face if this planet.   

I miss my fishies.

I noticed that every paragraph starts with "I". How
self-centered.

Missing Rowing
Mood:  blue
Topic: Issues

I miss training.

I actually do not see myself rowing for another team right now. And despite my absence, I still am doing the work some Board Members assigned to me. 

This is what I want to do now--to row and to train for my team. I have come to commit myself to this. Waking up early and commuting from Paranaque to CCP and then to Diliman is not an easy task but my will power--my willingness to train, be trained, and to contribute to the team that I have come to love--has allowed me to do it.

Sigh (Thesis and depression)
Mood:  blue
Topic: Issues

In God's time, I will hear from you.  

Only then will I get my answers:

Was our friendship true?

 

There are some things left hanging.

I guess I just have to let them be. 

Now, I am giving you the space that you need.

 

All I have is faith, in you and in God.

I still believe you'll be true to your words.

And like what you said, this is just a phase.

 

The truth is, we both have been hurt.

And I know I am not the one who can ease your pain.

I have put so much value on what we had, to

the point that I do not know when to let go.

 

The moment you asked me to wait was the moment

when I realized there is still hope.  

And now, I am letting you be. 

 

 

 

 

 

Unti-unti na Lang na Sanang Nawalaaaaa...
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Biglaan (live band rehearsal--dad and my brothers)
Topic: Issues
While preparing dinner...

Nanay Vivian: May sasabihin ako sa iyo.
Janley: Ano po yun?
Nanay Vivian: Inutusan akong tawagan ng daddy mo si John, tinatanong kung bakit ka raw pinaalis ng apartment.
Janley: Ha? Anong sabi mo?
Nanay Vivian: Sabi ko, "wag na, baka magalit si Janley." Sabi ng daddy mo, gusto lang nyang malaman kung bakit.
Janley: Bakit, alam ba ni daddy na pinaalis ako? Ang alam ni mommy ako ang umalis.
Nanay Vivian: Yun ang sabi eh.


I do not know what to say now. Hope everything goes back to normal.

On University Coursework Stress and Family
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Wowoweee Theme on TV
Topic: Issues

YM chat about university life: 

Sir Martin to Stan: and i dont think therapeutic n andyan k w/ ur dad


Dad wants to check my form five.

House rule: I need to be at home two hours after my last class.

Living with a 200-peso allowance with all the reimbursement stress.

Almost Held Up
Mood:  blue
Topic: Issues
I praise and thank the Lord for sparing from being held up tonight.


I almost got held up. After midweek service at Folk Arts theater, we went to eat in a Chinese carinderia near the airport. I was with John, Japeng and Mike. I did not eat much though, because I do not have money to spare. Good thing, Japeng was kind enough to pay for what I ate.

On our way back to the parking lot, I decided to split since John decided to take Japeng home. I was not expecting him to take me even to Bicutan because he has not been even civil with me since the day he asked me to leave the apartment. However, after telling them that I got to go, he volunteered to take me to Bicutan. I was too shy to say yes so I hesitated. Then, he said, "wag na kasing mag-drama".Japeng told me that Mike also felt how harsh John was during that time.  Upon hearing the offer, Japeng asked me not to ride the car anymore and go straight home. However, I was so saddened by the moment that I was not able to understand when Japeng told me to ride an FX instead of a jeepney.  

I have always been a quick walker whenever I commute. I guess thats because I have had close encounters with bad elements. The moment I crossed the street, I rode the first jeepney that crossed my path.

There were only two passengers inside the jeepney. I was near the exit while another guy was sitting in between me and the driver. I quickly noticed the knife inside the guys pants. So I asked the jeepney to stop. However, it just slowed down. I decided to jump off the jeepney the moment I saw him draw the knife and inched towards me. I was struck with fear during that time. I decided to head for the parking lot where John's car is parked. It was a good thing that they had not left the site yet.

I felt rushed and sweaty during that time. Maybe because I ran too so fast out of fear. After settling down, I told everybody what happened. It was during that time when I realized that I almost lost my laptop, and my thesis. I started crying. Takot na takot ako. Then, negative feelings started to enter my mind. I still have a semester to commute to and fro Diliman to Paranaque with a laptop for my thesis. Anything can happen from that distance. I just cried.

Mike asked me to stop crying: "Wag ka nang umiyak. Wala namang nangyari. Isipin mo na lang, nagka-adrenalin rush ka." I wanted to tell him what is on my mind, but John was there. How could I possibly tell them all my frustrations? One semester more, and I would stop bothering John with the apartment. Up to now, I still cannot see what ticked him off to ask me to leave the place. "Gusto naman raw makapag-aral ni John," those were the reasons given to me by Mike.

I just have to wait 'til he talks to me. I am just having a hard time right now, but I sure have to move forward. Praying has helped me a lot. But the pain just won't stop.