Mood:
caffeinatedTopic: university life
I can now tell that being both a crammer and an idealist is not a very good combination. Being two traits that partly constitute my personality, these two have proven to be disastrous—at least as far as tonight is concerned. Ang unproductive ko (debatable pa yan).
Tonight is another night of thesis-making for me. A night of endless literature-reading, of countless outlines and revisions. Thanks to Paul and some friends (Andre, RC, Dio and Athena to mention a few), YM has at least kept me physically close to Sylvia (our PC). Otherwise I (or my spirit) would have wandered somewhere else.
I love distraction. I love the feeling of being distracted just as not to satiate myself from all these ideas I have in mind. But I have to focus. If I regard research as my art—and I do so now—then I have to attempt to be at least good at it; if not, then just relish the process. As I have repeatedly mentioned throughout, “ang proseso ay importante [sa art].” Then again, I always wait for my right mood in doing my art: I dance when I feel like dancing; I sketch when I feel like sketching. Which made me ask, “Should I research just when I feel like doing it?”
My professors would have crossly said no (or “hell no!”—our university allows some degree of swearing for the profs).
Call me lazy, complacent or crazy. I just cannot focus right now (and I am not making any excuses). I have so many ideas in my mind. I wish I could just write them down in one sweep, the same way I’m inscribing my thoughts at this very moment. But I can’t. And being an “outline person” (yep, I am!) does not help. I start with outlines—then more outlines—then more ones until I get the desired result (parang instant cake mix). In my case, the cake just remains as batter. Unbaked and raw.
The question “Why won’t the batter turn into cake?” is similar to asking: “Why do I feel like I have not read enough literature?” or “Why do I get the feeling that I have not searched for the right books and authors?”. My thesis has become my unfinished symphony, my unfinished sketch, my halted dance, but with a deadline that is way past overdue. And as an idealist, I know what I have done is far from what I have in mind. But I have to cope up with the real world—by cramming.
I have so much to put into writing. I just do not know where to start. All I have right now are countless outlines (pages of them). So many ideas, so many more I’d like to add. The more I read, the more I feel like there is more to write. Being an idealist does not help. So does being a crammer.
I am ending this post. Poink!
Feel me savor my labor pains.
Uulitin ko, yung proseso ang importante.
Extroversion:
Loyalty:
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
a-ok
energetic